For some reason I have not really had the desire to blog lately. It was October, its Halloween, and its my little Harrison's birthday. Its so weird how even 3 years later my mind gets so focused, so occupied by this baby during October. It just happens and I really have no control over it. Its not just his birth and death but all the days leading up to it. The days on bed rest wondering if I could hold on a bit longer, and then those days spent in the hospital on what felt like my death bed, wondering if I was going to make it or if I wanted to make it. Life has been, well, not easy the last 3 years since his birth/death. The daily tasks that I love to do or want to do just don't really get done this time of year. I'm not depressed, its just when October rolls around its as if my mind automatically turns back to that month that forever changed my life.
This year was a bit harder than years past. For one its hard as time moves on because everyone around me has moved on, they don't really remember him and why should they, he came in and out of this world so quickly, but that's just it, he was here. Its hard when immediate family doesn't at least call us on his birthday. I really struggled this year when other then my family, no one called or stopped by. Its one of the things that made losing Harry so hard, not many uunderstood why it was so hard. I really don't expect anything or want to make anyone feel bad, but when close family can't even acknowledge his day its hurts. I guess I have to remember its different for them, they don't get it, never have and never will.
Its surreal holding your sweet baby that never took a breath, that you never heard cry, and is so small, yet looks like his older brother. Remembering the sweet spirit in that room is something I Cherish. For being such a horrible, traumatic day, it is still one of the most spiritual days of my life. A day I will never forget. A day when a sweet baby boy received a name and a blessing, a day when my life forever changed, a day when I realized that life is to not be taken for granted, a day that I knew I was chosen to be the mother to an angel.
It has also been hard because one of my sweetest cousins went into preterm labor and had her baby boy, Logan, at 24 weeks gestation, he was a little miracle baby, and from the second he was born there were so many blessings that happened. Logan hung on for almost a week being such a fighter but his little body couldn't do it anymore and he went to live with Heavenly Father. My heart broke for her and her dear husband sooo much when I heard the news. For one I knew in a way what it was like to want your sweet baby boy to stay here but to know that he was needed for more important things in heaven. Its so hard to hold that baby and then have to give him to someone else never to see or hold him again. It was also such a hard time because he passed away so close to Harrison's birthday. The funeral was absolutely beautiful but again so hard to see such a small casket again and to relive the emotions on that day. My heart goes out to her and her husband. I love them so much and I ache for them and their sweet baby.
We visited Harrison's grave on his birthday with our tradition of balloons, donuts, apple cider and signing a pumpkin with messages to our sweet boy. The kids love visiting Harrison and all day while Ruby and I were running errands to get all we needed, she kept wanting to buy Harrison presents for his birthday. I kept saying, "honey remember he's in heaven? We can't buy him presents, he can't play with them." No mother should ever have to tell their daughter that. I finally broke down and let her buy him a stuffed lion, we left it on his grave but then decided to let Finney take him home. We did however give a care package to someone in need in honor of harry.
Happy 3rd Angel-versary Harrison!
our cute family! It cracks me up that in every picture we took Ruby has her eyes closed, hmmm just like her daddy.
Finn was the one making me cry. I was doing pretty well until he kept patting at the gravestone and kissing it. Its like he knew it was his brother! It was so sweet!!!!
Ruby was so sweet and made Harry a birthday card. I love that my kids love Harrison so much! Ruby was so young, yet she still remembers him to this day!
6 comments:
that is so sweet, I LOVE those pictures of Finny, it's like he totally knows! So precious, makes me cry. Glad you were able to help Lauren, I can't even imagine how hard that would be, love you guys. can't believe it's been 3 years!
Amen to pretty much everything you said. And...send me your address and I will send you flowers next year!! :) I know though...when people don't remember (not that they should) it's like a stab in a weird way.
I keep telling myself that sometimes we are given trials so we can be strengths to others later. I bet that's exactly what you were to your cousin. Heartache is hard no matter what, but hopefully it can be made easier by having people who understand.
Happy Angel-versary!
Happy Birthday sweet little Harrison. I can relate to everything in your post. I remember on Bridger's birthday is was raining and cold. Everyone told me how appropriate they thought it was, but I didn't like it. It depressed me even more. I also got upset with some family members because they didn't bother to do anything (my MIL). She finally went to his grave because I was upset about it. Like you said, it is different for them. They will never know or understand unless they experience it themselves. I think it is good that you expressed your feelings on your blog so that your close family will have a better understanding of how you feel and what you need on that day.
I also read your detailed story of being at Tyler and Laura's that day. We have been in their house so I could picture it all in my mind. After they moved there we also looked into buying a house over there. Scary, Scary, Scary. I am glad you are all ok. That is one of my biggest fears - protecting my children in a life/death situation.
I may not understand exactly what you go through, but I have a hard time too! I think about Harry everyday! I especially think about him on around his birthday. I remember how you almost died and how I just wanted you to go to the hospital and tell them you weren't leaving. I remember helping Trent put the funeral/graveside service together and how hard it was to watch you all leave the hospital alone. I am sad because I love my neices and nephews as much as my own children and it makes me cry when I think he'd be best buddies with Boen, who doesn't have a cousin that age! I know he is in Heaven and you will one day be able to raise him. and i know that I will get to play with him and kiss him and hold him too! I love you all and I do think of him often!!! I just have a hard time bringing it up because I don't want to make you sad and I don't want to be sad either!!! love you all!
Did you have to make me cry!!! I just couldn't help it seeing little Finn so fascinated with Harry's grave and kissing it. What a beautiful and tender moment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions in this post. My thoughts also start turning to Micah during this time of year. I just can't help it. I am so thankful to know you and to have had your support during a very difficult time. What a blessing our angel babies are and forever will be. I love you!
You are an inspiration to me April! Happy birthday to your sweet little boy! I'm sure he misses you all so much- & is looking forward to the day when you are reunited for eternity! I know Harry must be so proud of the happy life you lead- even though you miss him beyond description!
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