3 months ago

I'm missing Harry today bad, I miss him all the time but I am just sad right now I guess. A lot because a really good friend of mine, Angela, a friend I've known since I was little, we grew up together, went to girls camp, school, we even worked together when we got older and had kids, has very sick baby down at Primary who is not doing well. I was taking her family dinner today but got a phone call from her today not to come. Her baby Benjamin, who was born full term 10 weeks ago has been in the NICU since he was born. He has very serious heart problems and this week things have gone drastically worse and she is facing some tough decisions. One thing I know she is one of the strongest women I know and I look up to her so much. I know she knows our Heavenly Father loves her and I know her and her family are just aching right now for their little boy to pull through. I ache for her, I ache because I somewhat know what she is going through yet I have no idea. All I can do is pray for her and her family and hope that they can get through this time. Please pray for her and her family to find comfort and strength during this difficult time.
Going through all these emotions today has made me think about my situation. My arms ache to hold Harrison and just see him again. On Wednesday he will have been born 3 months ago. He was the sweetest most precious thing. I can't help but think about that day and all the emotions surrounding it. We were faced with making a decision, a decision we didn't want to make, one no parent wants to make, but then my body made the decision for us. There was sadness in the fact that Harrison wasn't able to make it, but relief that I was finally going to be ok. There was anger that Harrison wasn't going to grow up and play with his brothers and sisters, yet peace that he had a perfect body, we got to be with him and hold him, and that he didn't suffer, and is with Heavenly Father. He came down to get a body but was needed for more important things. I love and miss him dearly. We talk about him often around our house, our kids even pray for him. I am sad that he isn't with us yet I think about how much suffering he would be going through right now being in the NICU and trying to hang on. I also can't help but think right now I would have a little over a month left before he was due, if it would've been a normal pregnancy. I keep thinking how much I want to skip the month of March this year, do any of you mind if we do that? I just don't want my due date to come, but I know it will. I just have to know that Heavenly Father loves me and my family and he has a plan and I am so grateful for the knowledge we do have.

We have decided to show a few pictures of Harrison. We've been a little hesitant because its not the same looking at him as it was in the room with the spirit that was there that night, so I hope I am doing the right thing letting you each get a glimpse of my sweet boy.

He was perfect in every way. He was tiny, he was only 1lb and his coloring was very dark, only because his skin is still so thin, but he was perfect, everything was there. He had the sweetest little face. Its different looking at pictures of him because to hold him and feel the spirit that was in the room was just amazing, so hard to describe, the vail was so thin that night and its just not the same looking at the pictures but it makes me remember and know he was real, that he was here with us even if it was for a short while.

Above is my favorite picture of him. He looks so sweet and innocent.

This was the best picture of Trent and me with him. For some reason I look pretty normal in this picture, in the others I am white, severely swollen, and can barely open my eyes because of the swelling from the transfusions and iv's. I cherish those moments we had as a family together. It was so quiet even with all the people in the room, it was one of the saddest and hardest days of my life, yet one of the most spiritual as well. What a sweet little boy.

My boys together. This pictures just makes me cry. Hudson misses Harry so much. This past week he has just had a really hard time with it. One night he couldn't sleep and has cried a few times. He just misses Harry, he knows because we tell him he's with Heavenly Father and that he's ok but I know he still can't help but think and asks why isn't he here. He wants me to have another baby so bad, I don't know yet. I think about it often but can't go there right now. I hope someday I will think differently.

Ruby was so sweet when she came in. She kept saying, "Wanna hold baby brother. Where's baby brother." So we decided to let each of the kids hold him. She just stared at him and was so quiet and careful with him. She called him her baby. She loved him so much.

My sweet sis-in-law Natalie took a few pictures at the funeral. This was Hudson's final goodbye to Harry. My Aunt Lauri did the flowers, aren't they beautiful? And Natalie saved some for me so that I can place them in Harry's shadow box. Doesn't it just brake your heart?

I can't even think of words to describe this picture. Every time I look at it, it just makes me cry.

I wrote this post for me, to remember my baby boy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him or what happened. My arms and heart ache. I know many people don't understand and probably think I should be over it by now, he was just a baby, but I'm not, we're not, he was our baby. If Trent starts to talk about it I cry, if I start to talk about he cries. Don't hesitate to ask how we are or ask questions. We love to talk about Harry, it makes us feel and know that he was apart of our family, it helps with the healing. We are doing our best and know there's a reason and are grateful for our knowledge of the gospel but its still hard. I am trying to to be the best mom I can be. Sorry for talking about it again but I just had too. I miss him.

I love you Harrison. I feel you everyday, I know you are with me. I know that you love us and watch over us. I miss you and can't wait to hold you again.

Love, mommy