Our Angel-Harrison Samuel Maw

Nothing can express the feelings and experiences we've gone through the last few days. It has been some of the most trying, hardest, scariest, and most spiritual experiences of my life and my families.
I will start at the beginning if I can and try to explain and get through this.
Saturday night after some pushing from family and friends, Trent and I decided it was time to put an end to bleeding and go to Labor and Delivery and see what was going on. My HCT or blood count had come down more in just a few days and so they decided to observe me for the night. We felt it was just precaution. Our little guy as always was a trooper. They observed me through the night and I was pretty good, but then I started losing large amounts of blood and starting to show the signs of blood loss. My Dr. decided that it would be best to keep me for a few days to watch my blood count and see what happened. Then Sunday night it all went down hill. Trent and I were just getting ready for bed. The nurses had an IV with a large catheter so that in case I did need a transfusion in an emergency it would be easy. Trent helped me to the bathroom and to bed. The minute I laid down I felt the bleeding begin and it wouldn't stop. He paged the nurse and I was in and out for a awhile, blacking out from the pain and blood loss. I remember waking up one time and thinking I was so at peace and had been dreaming and then I saw all the commotion around me. I realized it was not good. I remembered asking if I had lost the baby and they told me he was still doing great. They were worried because I was in labor contracting every few minutes and was dilated to a two. So to be safe they transferred me to labor and delivery and started giving me blood transfusions, I had four transfusions, with 7 units of blood throughout the space of a few days. I was terribly sick for a few days from the loss of blood, shock, and just all the events. I was placed on IV's to help keep me hydrated and help with the shock and was also on pains meds, nausea meds, and two antibiotics. I new the end was coming but I wasn't sure when and if Trent and I were to make a decision or if my body would. On Monday we visited with the Perinatologist and he informed us that we had a perfect baby. He was measuring about 20 wks 6 days, and was doing great. The problem was that I had a large blood clot and my placenta was abrupting. He explained that to stop labor would put me in danger. So we new that if my body started to labor again that we were to let it just go. By Monday night I had stopped labor and we weren't sure what to expect throughout the night and the next day. Then Tuesday morning I woke up bleeding again and was dilated to a 3 and contracting. I knew what was coming. I was glad my body made the decision to deliver and Trent and I didn't have to, although we knew what that meant. After almost 10hrs of labor our little angel was born. He was the most perfect 20 week old any of them had ever seen. The most peaceful part was that when he delivered Trent and I were the only ones in the room. The nurse had just checked me and said I was a 5 still and the minute they left I told Trent that I felt pressure. He immediately called the nurse and when they came in he was laying there peacefully. Harrison Samuel Maw was born weighing 13 oz and 10 inches. He never took a breath but got the most perfect body. I was amazed at how beautiful he was and perfect. I know that Heavenly Father needed him more at this time but he blessed us to have a few hours with him. I already miss holding his little hands and seeing his cute profile. He looked just like Hudson. The hospital staff was amazing and took such good care of us and him. They gave us so many mementos to remember him by. I don't think I can ever express my gratitude enough to them. The spirit in the room was amazing and so peaceful considering the circumstances. Trent and I were able to spend some time alone with him, as well as the kids and some of the family. We got a lot of help as to how to tell our children, if they should see him, hold him. They just told us to do what feels right. Hudson didn't really know what to think, but he kept asking about him so we just took it slow. He did hold him and loved him. Ruby was amazed. She just kept calling him her baby brother and holding him and starring and saying over and over, "I wanna hold him." One of our good friends that was also a nurse gave my kids a little white bear angel and a blanket that the baby also got, so that the kids can feel him at all times. My mom says they haven't put them down.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done and hope I never have to do again. I know that he is watching over us right now and is at peace. I am grateful for my eternal family. I also know that we will be with him again some day. We were able to spend some quiet time alone together as a family and as sad as a situation as it was it was also very peaceful. I know the next little while will be confusing, especially for Hudson because he does somewhat understand, but he knows that brother is with Heavenly Father. I hope we can all get through this ok.
I had to have a transfusion shortly after delivery I was so sick but today I am amazed at how well I feel now. I was a pin cushion for 4 days, always getting checked for things and had so much medicine and blood pumped into me I look more pregnant now than I ever did. I had only gained 6 lbs throughout this pregnancy and now due to the volumes of fluids I look like a marshmallow. My Dr said it would take about a week or more for my body to flush everything out. But I am finally in the clearing and feel good. The Dr's said this was a scary but very unusual situation and say it is so rare. But he feels that I will be ok one day to have more children. My heart is aching for my baby and family. I know this will be a struggle but I have seen how much closer we have all grown. I can't wait to hopefully tomorrow to go home to my own house with my kids and just be together. We are having a small family graveside on Saturday and then will just get to be together. I thank you all for your prayers, love and support. We have really felt them through the last few days. I am so grateful to our family for taking care of our Hudson and Ruby so that Trent could be with me throughout the entire process. It has been so hard being away from them. We have all just missed each other so much.

All the Dr's and nurses kept saying that we must have had some strong prayers behind us because everything turned out ok and our baby was perfect for his short time on earth. I love him and miss him but am grateful for my Heavenly Fathers Plan that he has set up for me and everyone. I know that my Heavenly Father had a different plan for Harrison and that he has work to do in Heaven. I know he is perfect and was able to receive a body and go straight to our Heavenly Fathers arms. I miss him and always will but I am grateful he was able to come down for a short while and touch our family. I know that that Families really are forever.

To my baby boy: Harrison I love and miss you deeply. I am so grateful that I was able to spend almost 21 weeks with you and hold you for a few hours. I was able to feel you move and hold you. I am so grateful that you did not suffer. I love your little hands, your long toes, and your amazingly perfect profile. I love that you looked just like your older brother. You were perfect in every way and yet for some reason were not able to stay with us. Know we love and miss you but that we will be together again someday. Please watch over us and keep us together and safe so that we can all meet again. I love you and will always remember you. Just know mommy and daddy love and miss you as well as your older brother and sister. We know you are with us. And we also know that Heavenly Father needed you so much more right now. We know heaven is the perfect place to be. We love you Harrison.