Life is full of surprises

(fyi, its long enter at your own risk!)

 Life sure is interesting isn't it? 

I've been through a lot in my short 31 years. I've learned that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and he knows whats best for us. But we also have what We think our life should be or look like. And yes we have a say but we are here to be tried and tested and if it was up to us I don't think most of us would choose the hard life or the trials we are put through. When things don't go as WE think they should or as WE hoped they would, it can be hard, disappointing, stressful, heartbreaking.

But looking back on things that I've gone through and am going through I''ve come to realize that Heavenly Father has faith in me. I've gotten through things that while in the middle of them (losing Harrison) I thought I would never be ok.  I thought I'd never be happy, be able to go on. But, I've come out a better/happier person. A more compassionate (I hope) person. A more faithful, trusting person. He trusts me and loves me enough to have me experience things that I never would have thought I would be able to handle. And our current situation I wonder, how are we doing this? But somehow we are and we're ok.

So moving on, Trent and I have always wondered if we would have more kids. I think he was more open to the idea but he knew I was more hesitant. Lets face it, being a mother is the most rewarding, best thing in the world. But its also the hardest, most draining, self doubting thing we as women could ever do. And for Trent to see his wife almost die during a pregnancy I know he is a bit scared of the idea.

After I lost Harrison I honestly for the longest time didn't even know if I wanted to try to have other kids. I missed him so much, my heart ached so bad and I was scared that my body would never be able to have more kids. So when I finally got the ok that when I was ready I could try I was still not ready.  It took me quiet awhile to feel like, yes, there was another baby that was supposed to be here with us. And once Trent and I felt it was time, Finn came. We were so blessed. I was blessed to have a great pregnancy and delivery. A beautiful healthy boy was born and blessed and filled a whole in our hearts.  He did not replace Harry, he just helped give us hope again. 

As much as I loved having Finn, I was sure I was finished. I had four kids, three here to raise, who by the way were such good babies and one in heaven I would get to raise later. 

I have felt so blessed to have been able to have children and to be a mom.  

So part of me felt like, why have more. I've had a loss, I've had three healthy kids I think I'm ok. 

For the longest time I kept saying yes I'm done. Then it slowly changed to I think we're done, to well, I don't know, how do you know?

Our life is in no means in a perfect place right now, but there are aspects of our life it is good. 

Trent and I have a great marriage. Our kids are healthy and happy. We have a home and great family and friends. But with our current job situation is not good and has not been for awhile. I've talked about it before so I'll just leave it at that.A adjunct teaching job at WSU is better than nothing I guess. 

So moving on...

I was getting Finn out of bed a few weeks ago and had the strongest impression, almost like the spirit was speaking to me, "There is another one!"

I took a step back and looked at Finn and thought, "ok that was weird." I brushed it off.  And as I was walking out of his room, I heard it/felt it again, "there is another one". This time stronger and louder than that first. 

I hugged Finn. I was basically in shock but full of peace. 

I walked into the kitchen where Trent  was and said, nonchalantly, "oh hey, there is another one of these", and pointed to Finn. 

He said what? 

I said a little teary eyed, but trying to hide it, "There is another one of these."
I was teary eyed because the spirit was so so strong!

He looked a bit shocked so I explained what had happened. 

We talked about it for awhile and felt ok with the idea and decided, that when things are in order hopefully by this time next year then we can see if it feels right then. And we thought, maybe this means things are going to start looking up, fall into place.
During our conversation I actually said, "oh maybe the impression was just meaning, remember you have another one in Heaven, maybe just letting us know not to forget him."
Trent said, "do you really think thats what it means?"
I said, no, I was just scared!

 I had always said, Heavenly Father is gonna have to tell me or make it happen in order for me to have more kids because I just didn't think I could handle more or have the faith to try again.

Well, about a week or so later I started to feel sick. Feel, well you know, those pregnancy symptoms creeping up on me.  I was tired, so so tired. My boobs hurt so bad! I was waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I kept thinking? Am I pregnant? I can't be.  There's no way? 

I decided to finally take a test and immediately it was positive. 

I cried and cried hard. 

I was shocked, scared, surprised, nervous. 

What? How is this possible?
I was scared to tell Trent.

He found the pregnancy test box in the garbage empty and came into the room and said, "so what did the test say?" I said, "ugh, it was inconclusive." I wasn't ready to tell him. So I went and got the test and threw it at him.

He took the news so well, better than I thought he would.
 He comforted me when I cried and told me that everything would be ok. 

He kept telling me to remember the impression I got (which by the way, I was already pregnant when I got the impression. I took the test a week later. I think Heavenly father was preparing me so that when I found out I would remember that peace I felt and know it would be OK, he knew I needed to be prepared.)

It took me awhile to feel ok about it. 

And it hurts me that I was scared and not ready.  It wasn't that I didn't want this baby but that I was not ready, we are not ready, financially we are not in a good place and I am stressed as it is with three kids I can't imagine adding another one. I feel guilty as a mom every day and don't feel like I am the best mom, so could I really have another one?

 I felt guilty for feeling that way because I have so many family members and friends who have either not been able to get pregnant or have a hard time.
Even though when I lost Harrison I had two other kids, I still had a loss and wanted a baby so bad and had a hard time for awhile when people would get pregnant. I've been there, its hard and it sucks. 

I know I am so blessed. I feel so blessed! 

But as with all things in life, its hard when life doesn't go as planned or as we hoped they would. 

But I have to say, I am happy now! 

I am at peace.  I actually find myself getting excited and then stop and think? Really? 

The kids are so excited and Trent is actually really excited.  

We know somehow this will work out and we'll be ok. 
Whether it means the way we want it to or the way its supposed to.
We will be fine.

So, after a long introductions, I'M PREGNANT! I'm 10 weeks along and due April 16th, my birthday! 

Here's our little bean. I went two weeks ago and because it was a surprise I really had no idea how far I was but I guessed I was about 8 weeks along and due mid April and I was right on. And I was reassured there was only one baby. Yes, I thought there might be two. 

I didn't realize how nervous I was going to the dr until I got there. I've had a healthy pregnancy after having harry but for some reason the idea of going through this all again I panicked a bit.  But my dr was fabulous and took a long time making sure there were no hematoma's and all was well. 

I am still nervous about having four kids, I don't know how I'm gonna do it for how I'm gonna pay for all this unless Trent gets a job, but I know its somehow gonna work out and we'll be blessed with a beautiful baby at the end. 

Physically I am feeling blah!!! 

It could be worse I know but man it has hit me hard! I have horrible headaches that hit about 11:00 every morning and then from there on its just nauseoa all day long. Its not morning sickness for me, its afternoon and evening and night for me. Which is the busiest time of the day but I'm gonna survive and having my husband home most days is nice just wish he was home at night when its bad.  

So here's to the next few months.