Share

Last night my friend Shelia and I decided to finally go to a Share meeting. Share is a support group for families of pregnancy and infant loss. Two ladies from Share came to my room the night Harrison was born, they talked with us and helped us. They took very good care of him and made his hand and feet molds that I will always cherish, they are so tiny. Oh he was so cute.
I had been wanting to go for quite sometime but I was scared and I knew I'd bawl the whole time so I was putting it off as long as possible. But last nights meeting was about subsequent choices and that's something that is on my mind constantly. When do I have another baby? Do I have another baby? What will people think or say? Will I be ok with this baby? Will this baby survive? Can I get pregnant? What if its a boy can I handle that? What if its a girl can I handle that? And the list goes on and on.
As we walked in I couldn't help but think that I was entering an AA meeting. Not that I've been but you know you see them in the movies, everyone gathered around in a circle and everyone shares their stories. Well, that's exactly what you do. I couldn't help but hurt for everyone there. Everyone's story was different, some had lost numerous children, had numerous miscarriages, others had lost babies due to umbilical cord mishaps just weeks before they should've been born, like Shelia's baby Sharyn. A few had lost babies around 20 weeks like me for some unknown reason. My heart just ached for them and I cried and cried. For some it had been years, for others only a few months. But it felt good to be in company of others. Then came my turn. I was shaking, I was sweating, I was so scared. I told my story and I felt ok. I felt like finally my feelings were justified. I felt like it was ok to be sad for him, to miss him, I felt like they understood me and where I was coming from. Thank you Share. I got some questions answered and some I didn't. I learned that there's not a right or wrong answer on when to get pregnant, you just have to go with how you feel. I know that another baby will not replace Harry and I don't want that to be the case, I just ache to hold him. I think daily, should I have another one? When? I know the day will come when I will, there's days I tell Trent, I'm ready, and there's days I say, will I ever?
Shelia and I had a nice talk on the way home and I'm grateful for the friendship that has come out of this. We were in the same ward for a few years and new each other and talked but its been a blessing to have someone I know go through something similar to me, although its not a good situation, its a blessing to have someone that understands. Its still so fresh to both of us, but I am amazed at her attitude and I am so grateful for her. She's an amazing person and I am grateful for her strength and faith.
As I walked in the door to my house I went to see Trent and the tears just came. I had not had an emotional brake down like that in a long time but it sure felt good. I just talked about everything, my thoughts, how I feel like he's being forgotten, when do we have a baby? I know he's with us. I ache for those out there that have lost children and family members who don't know the gospel and don't realize that if you live righteously you can be together forever. There's comfort in that. I know I will see him again. I love him and know he's here.
The kids have talked a lot about him lately. Hudson one day said to Trent, "Dad? Where's Harry going to sleep?" Trent looked at him and said, "you know Harry's in heaven right?" Huddy said, "Yeah his body is in the ground and his spirit is in Heaven." He knows I think he just wants his brother and gets confused sometimes. Then last week he said to me, "Mom, Ruby, me and Harry are going to hold hands forever ok?" OH my talk about a tearjerker. He is so true.
Then Ruby was sitting on my lap the other day while I was what else, reading blogs and said, "Momma, you remember Harry? I remember Harry. I hold Harry. You remember Harry?" I couldn't help but cry and hold her and say, "Yes, I remember Harry. He's with Heavenly Father and Jesus, he loves you." I love these children Heavenly Father has blessed me with. They help me get through this time. Whenever Hudson wants to snuggle I just hold him and hold back tears because I know Harry would've looked just like him.
My due date is fast approaching. I am dreading the day, its March 15th. I don't know how I'll react. I was never supposed to make it to my due date anyway but its still a significant date and one I'll always remember. I hate the snow right now because I am not able to visit Harry's grave because well, I can't find it. I can't wait for Spring to go visit him and talk to him and finally get a grave stone hopefully before Memorial Day.
Anyways, thanks for letting me share my feelings again. It's good for me to write it down, remember him and talk about him.
I also wanted to share an amazing family who live in Australia. They lost a baby who died in the womb and in honor of him they take requests to write baby's and children's names in the sand during the sunset who have died. Its free and I think just another special way to honor them. I requested Harrison's name be written in the sand on Tuesday and she did it last night. I hope someday I can go to the beach and do this myself. You can go to their blog here. And please be sure to tell anyone you know whose lost a baby or child to visit it. Thanks for letting me Share.