1 Year Ago

One year ago today we said Hello and Goodbye to our sweet baby boy Harrison Samuel Maw. Today is a bitter sweet day. Its hard to celebrate your babies 1st birthday when they aren't even here. I can honestly say I didn't want to get up this morning. My poor kids were begging for breakfast and for me to play but I just didn't want to get out of bed and face the day. My mind was so full of memories, good and bad of this day last year. I have actually been dreading Halloween and this time of year, normally I love it. I was so sick last year and missed out on so much with my kids and I just don't have good memories. So when I was talking with someone about how I had not figured out what my kids were going to be for Halloween, I realized I was putting it off because in the back of my mind I didn't want to do it. I didn't want a reminder of last year. But I did finally get the costumes ready and we've done a few Halloween things and I have to say I am ok with it. I am just grateful that I am here and able to celebrate this year with them.
I did however get out of bed and said a long prayer for peace today. I tried not to think about all the bad memories from that day, but its hard not to, I realized how much my life changed in one day. I remember so vividly that day and the days that lead up to it, those days while I was in the hospital are a bit blurry because I was not all there. I do remember a few days before I had Harrison, the night when things went terribly wrong. I started to hemorrhage, passed out again and again and then a code was called and there was a team of nurses and Doctors working on me. And in the midst of it all when I was out for a moment, I remember peace. I remember thinking, this isn't scary, I feel so happy and peaceful. There was no commotion. Then I woke up and saw everyone around me. There was commotion, there was panic, there were tears and fear in Trents and my moms eyes. Then I realized it was not good. I tried to cling to that few seconds when I was out and felt peace, but for the next 4 days there was little peace. I was in labor the whole time but it was slow. I was so sick they were just letting it take its course. I remember telling Trent, what happened to me, how while I was out, I felt peaceful, I believe that was Heavenly Fathers way of comforting me and saying to me, you can do this, I am with you and I love you. The physical and emotional pain over those days was awful, but that few seconds when I felt that peace and whenever I received blessings through it all I felt the presence of our Heavenly Father. All I can say is my prayers were not answered in the way I wanted them to because otherwise my baby would be here today, but I do know that I was saved, I am alive today. I was able to see and hold my baby and I am able to be here for my kids, husband and family. We are also so blessed that we are able to have more children and that I am pregnant again now.
As scary as the situation was, when he was born there was peace. The veil was thin and I know that even though Harrison was not alive, he was in the room along with other angels and Heavenly Father. I will never be able to explain that feeling but all I can say is I Cherish those moments so much. I am grateful we were able to give him a name and a blessing and that when the blessing was given that Lane, (trents dad) thanked Harrison for letting me live. He also asked that Harrison would be an angel for our family. That we'd always remember him and that he'd watch over us and keep us together so we could all be together again.
I love him so much. Its hard to explain how much I really love him. Today is a hard day but I am getting through it. I have prayed for peace today and I feel it, although its been very emotional. Trent teaches late on Wednesday nights so we decided to celebrate his birthday on Monday for family home evening. So all our family came out and meet at his grave, we said a few words, and then did a balloon realise. Then we had everyone sign a pumpkin for him since he is our Halloween baby. It was such a neat experience. To see all those balloons go up.
I just wanted to say Thank You for all your love an support over the past year. For listening to me complain and for letting me talk about Harrison on our blog. He is my son and always will be. I love him dearly and know he is apart of our family and is watching over us daily. I like to think that today is he hugging me and that he is with me. I am grateful to have Hudson and Ruby in my life, I think I have given them way to many hugs and kisses today and told them I loved them a lot. I think you should all do the same.

Aunt Makenize helping Ruby write on Harrison's pumpkin.

A shot of some of our family waiting to release the balloons.

The whole family together

I wasn't really sure how the kids would react to celebrating his birthday. They had been excited all day but when we got there Hudson broke down, then of course I did too. He is still so sensitive about losing his brother. He kept saying, "why wasn't Harry at the party?" I know he knows he's in Heaven and not with us, yet I think he is confused. We wondered is having the kids hold Harrison was a bad idea, but I am still happy that we did. Because they love to talk about how little and cute he was.

The balloons on their way to Harrison.

The whole family stayed and ate donuts and apple cider, it was freezing!!!

Happy 1st Angel Birthday Harry. We love you so much!!!!!