(tear jerker)
I am finding it hard to find the Christmas spirit this year. I have been shopping like crazy and listening to Christmas music and helping my mom decorate but the spirit just hasn't been with me. I try hard to feel it but its just not coming. People keep telling me that Christmas time will be a good time to forget whats happened and be happy because your with family and friends. But that's actually what is making it harder. I feel that all the parties and get togethers makes it harder because you see people you haven't seen and so they ask questions, which brings it up and you are with family and loved ones, yet one family member is missing. I also have so many family and friends that are pregnant and I have to say that deep inside I am jealous and mad. Because I miss being pregnant and have no baby to hold. But I am also so happy for them because I know how happy I was, you get attached so quickly to that tiny baby inside. And I miss not feeling him. I feel that the good days are more and more now, yet there's always those moments I brake down. But things are getting better.So Sunday I prayed and fasted that I might feel the Christmas spirit. As I sat in church on Sunday I tried so hard to feel it and it just wasn't there. Church was almost over and nothing. But then as we sang the closing hymn, "Away in a Manger" and I lost it. The last verse got me the most.
Be near me, Lord Jesus,I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there
I realized when I sang the line, "Bless all the dear children in they tender care" how special my Harry was to be with Jesus. I know he is watching over me and is in the most amazing place he can be, yet its still hard. I just sat and balled. The song ended, we said the prayer and I just had to hang my head and ball my eyes out hoping no one would see me. But I felt it, I felt the spirit so strong. My prayer had been answered. And I know that at the moment Harrison was with me telling me he was ok. I know Heaven is the perfect place for him. He was too precious for this world.
I have a friend from my South Ogden ward who just two weeks ago lost her baby Sharyn at almost 37 weeks. My heart broke for her as I realized the pain they are going through. Even though I had gone through the same thing I couldn't imagine losing a baby at that age, her baby had every change of survival, my Harrison needed 3 more weeks in womb to be able to survive outside. I pray for her and her family nightly that they can find comfort and peace. She was wonderful and sent me the most amazing little poem. It touched me so much and of course made me cry, but I wanted to share it with all of you.
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees round the world below, With tiny lights, like heavens stars, reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular. Please wipe away your tear, For I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description to here the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away we're really not apart.
So be happy for my loved ones, you know I hold you dear.Be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above. I sent you each a memory of my own undying love.
After all, love is the gift more precious than pure gold. It was always most important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep each other, as our father said to do. For I can't count the blessings or the love he has for each of you. So have a merry Christmas and wipe away your tears. Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. Author unknown
Thanks Shelia you will never know how much this meant to me.
12 comments:
miss you guys. I really admire your testimony and your faith. I am glad you are so open, too it makes it easier to understand you. Good Luck with your Christmas Blessings. Keep asking maybe there will be so many more in store for you.
p.s E asked Swissy if he was missing Huddy and she said yeah and then she scrunched up her nose and said I didn't even get to say goodbye to him because he was at his grandma's house. P.S. we stalked by the new pad because we were in that hood and wondered if it was on the left or the right corner.
that poem is a tear jerker! So sweet and sad. I am so happy that you got to go decorate Harry's grave last night, hopefully that was fun and not too terrible. We love you and hopefully you will continue to feel the Christmas spirit and have fun.
I think what you did last night was so neat and especially giving to an angel off the angel tree... I know how hard it is for me to think of my baby Harrison and how much I wanted to be with him and hold him and have Boen and him grow up together, so I can't even imagine how you feel! Please call me anytime you want to talk no matter what time it is! I love you sooooo much and I look up to you and your strength. That poems sums it all up, he is with Jesus and he is having a wonderful Christmas and we will too!
That is a beautiful poem. And what a neat experience for you, I'm grateful your prayer was answered.
BTW, you can still use Sawyer someday! I think it's a really cute name too, but Kyle doesn't like it that much so I don't think we would ever have used it anyway. Emily and Jeremy chose the name quite a while ago, which is fun, we've always had to wait until we see the baby to pick a name. ;)
Glad to hear you're doing a little better. I hope every day gets a little bit easier on you and your family.
What a beautiful poem! I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. It would be so hard. You should read a book called "The Memory Keepers Daughter." What you said in this post made me think of the book. I just finished it. It's really good.
Oh April, that is so touching. I think one of the things I admire about you most is that you always try to find something good in every hand you're dealt. Losing your son is such a difficult thing to go through and rather than allowing yourself to be weighed down, you find a way to rise above, rely on the Savior and find an inner strength that amazes me. I am proud of you and thankful for your example. Keep hangin' in there, one day at a time. I love ya.
I love you April. I loved your post. I admire you more than you know...
That poem was amazing I really think that says it all..... I am so glad you are feeling a little better, I dont know how you feel but I can only imagine and I know you will always feel that loss and miss him. I hope you have fun the next couple of weeks celebrating Christmas :)
April, talk about chills~ reading those words to Away in a Manger... and the other day I thought of you as I listened to the Breath of Heaven song. What a privilege it is for us to be mothers of special sons~ just as Mary was strengthened from heaven when Jesus was born... it sounds like you had your angels around you that day too when you felt the Christmas spirit! I am still praying for you each and every day.
April, I just saw your post. I am so glad that it did bring you some comfort. Thank you so much for your prayers, and kind words. I never really saw the words in Away in a manger like I did today. It definitely made me cry, I was touched. I am glad you found a little bit of the Christmas spirit. I am struggling with the same thing, but I find that it is also easier every day. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you.
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